Who Let in Those Parents?

Which model reflects your view of school-parent relationships?

-       Lord of the Manor and his servants

-       Rhythm beater on a slave galley

-       Lion keeper at the zoo

-       Probation service

Setting the Record Straight – Letter explaining role of parents

St Amphibalus High School

New End

Upper Cookhill

Dear Parents

The Church says parents, the human family, are the first educators of the child.

The parish in the diocese, the family of God, is the second teacher of the child.

Some say schools are the third family when the child reaches the age of four.

We prefer to describe ourselves as the elite providers launching your offspring through our great exam success (the best in the county) into the wider world.

We hold that the human family and the family of God must keep in step with the school to steer the child in reaching for the stars, like a moon rocket heading to explore deep space.

Just as the booster rocket is jettisoned at the end of the first stage of its mission, so your role yields primacy to the school once you hand them over at the age of four.

Here is a list to guide you so you don’t disrupt what we do as a Catholic school, with the best examination record in the county. There is no such guidance available for parishes. PPs are a law onto themselves.

1.     Deliver your child each morning, on time, preferably bathed daily. We work cheek by jowl with groups of up to thirty bodies at a time. Close proximity works harmoniously when body odours do not build barriers.

2.     School uniform is obligatory attire. It must be properly worn without deletions, additions or alterations. Hair must be cut appropriately, short hair for boys and long hair for girls. Along with the proper uniform of skirts for girls and trousers for boys, hair length enables quick identification of gender in sensitive areas such as toilets, changing rooms, going up and down stairs and which student body parts teachers cannot touch.

The uniform code does not apply to staff. They wear a badge with Mr/Master or Mrs/Miss that indicates the gender involved.

Please go by the staff badge and not by what you guess the person’s gender is just by looking at them.

3.     Staff and teachers should be addressed from a distance of one yard, or the width of a table if you are seated. Refrain from any touching, shoving, hitting, scalding, embracing, biting, throwing or knocking them to the ground.

Any one, several, or all of these activities will be considered assault and call for a police presence.

4.     Appointments are made using systems similar to those used by doctors’ surgeries.

On your visit, present yourself to reception five minutes before your appointment with recent photographic proof of identity.

5.     Observe the dress code throughout your visit: smart office wear.

Do not disrobe at any time, for any reason.

In the case of stay-at-home females such as mothers, grandmothers, child minders, carers, interpreters, self-employed seamstresses, circus performers or those on day release, smart casual is allowed but with no hint of provocative clothing or high-heeled shoes.

The dress code for visitors is especially relevant for those engaged in agriculture or animal husbandry.

Wellington boots, no matter what brand, are unacceptable.

When being escorted around the school, keep to the left at all times and walk in silence.

6.     Do not drive onto the school estate grounds. A pay-as-you-park carpark is situated only four hundred yards away behind the Coop at the end of Lonergans Lane.

There are no facilities for visitor parking on the school estate grounds.

7.     When dropping off and collecting pupils, you must observe the five hundred yards exclusion zone around the school banning motor driven vehicles (fossil fuel, electric as well as wind propelled).

The use of drones to deliver or collect pupils is absolutely forbidden.

8.     Avoid parking across neighbours’ drives and entrances. You will be fortunate to escape with owners battering only your car.

9.     We do not run a day care facility looking after your offspring at the end of the day. A charge is applicable if you do not pick them up on time and we have to kettle them on the lower playground.

10.  Make sure your offspring do their homework. It is a major factor in our success as the top exam school in the county.

Do not assist them. You do not understand the stuff we teach. Things have changed since you were in school.

11.  Behaviour, when on the school estate premises, will be in keeping with Catholic moral teaching.

Our Catholic morals compels us to avoid, in public, the ‘Three D’s’ as they are known: drink, drugs and debauchery.

The ‘Three D’s’ were once applied to boys in the sixth form only but have been extended to girls and to all students in Years 9, 10 and 11.

These rules apply to staff also. Teachers do not drink excessively, take drugs or act in a debauched way in corridors, during lessons, or in any public teaching situation where they are engaged with students.

We expect the same standards from visitors.

12.  We rightly deserve our accolade as the top exam school in the county while at the same time managing to be a Catholic school.

Like all Catholic schools we say a shedload of prayers at the drop of a hat. Make sure your child can rattle off, without any warmup run, all the regular prayers like the Our Father, the Act of Contrition (short form), Hail Mary and Grace Before Meals.

Making the sign of the cross with the correct hand movement is sign of a true Catholic.

13.  All we do reflects our gospel values. They are called gospel values because they come from the gospels.

We have a long list of them. Your offspring should be able to name at least three should an inspector ask what they are.

14.  This school is renowned for being the highest performing school in the county in examinations. Yet you will see our Catholicism all over the place. (See points 11 - 13 above)

It pops up in our ornaments. Crucifixes and statues are everywhere.

A saint’s name is on the name board at the gate.

We do not allow sins to be done on the school estate grounds and we have a photo of the archbishop hanging in the entrance hall.

Our assemblies deal with being catholic and being holy.

We frown on people working here if they are active members of paedophile groups.

Occasionally, a local priest will be seen around the school. He will talk to you, quietly, if you approach him. It is the only time you are allowed to speak, quietly, when visiting the school.

You have done the right thing for your child by securing a place at our school that continues to be the top performing exam school in the county at the same time as it is Catholic.

Work closely with us and your offspring is already riding the moon rocket to success.

Arthur Peabody Carruthers NPQH

Principal

__________________

What can you say about those words of guidance?

What have you written, if anything on your website?

(The letter is a composite of points from several newsletters and websites)